I survived! Now to wind down....(probably long!)

The party is over and it was great. I wasn't really thrilled with how the cakes came out (I'm out of practice!) but the boys were satisfied and that's what counts. One of the moms there asked me where I bought the cakes and seemed genuinely shocked that I made them. That made me feel good. Especially since she's an (involuntary...laid off) SAHM (of course, maybe she asked because they were so hideous she wants to make sure she avoids that bakery!). I forgot my camera but FG's sister took some pictures so I'll post them when I get them from her. I really want to start doing more cakes again. I used to try to do something once or twice a month just to keep my skills sharp. I've done a few for friends and family but I never liked charging for cakes so I usually did them for fun. As the boys got older, that got harder to do and now I'm really out of practice. Once a year is just not often enough to stay in shape! So one of the "me" things on my list is to start doing a fun cake at least once a month again. I'd love to take one of the cake decorating classes but they're always in the evening and I never have anyone to watch the boys so I'm self-taught for now. Thank goodness for the internet!

The superhero costumes were also a big hit. A while back, a friend of mine had painted a shirt for Squirt that looked like the Incredibles logo but had his initials (he goes by his initials) inside. He wore that shirt constantly but he's outgrown it now. He still asks for it sometimes but it's just too small (and stained and has holes in it!) When he first opened his gift, he saw the painted logo on the front of the shirt and said "Cool...another Super-me shirt!" without much emotion but then he unfolded it and saw the cape and just went nuts. He put it on right away and went running around the pavilion with his cape flowing behind him. I almost cried. Pork Chop was too busy with his own presents to notice but when he opened his, his eyes got big and he just said "Woooow....coool!" My cousin's little boy is a few weeks younger than Squirt and he was positively drooling. His mother reminded me no less than five times that there is another birthday coming up and he sure did like those superhero shirts. So far, the boys haven't taken them off and Squirt has told me a few times how much he loves me and loves his costume and that I'm the greatest mom in the world. Now the only problem I have is them running around the living room pretending to fly and trying to jump off the couch/bed/dresser/whatever...come to think of it though, that was a problem before they had superpowers so I'm not taking the blame for it! At least we have a ground floor apartment!

Squirt's starting to realize that all of his friends' moms don't make things like I do (I knit, crochet, sew, embroider, do general crafts, and decorate cakes!) and he's kind of starting to "get" how much work goes into some things (like the fact that it took me months to knit him a blanket). I'm sure he'll appreciate it more when he's older...I know it wasn't until I started doing things like this that I really appreciated all the Halloween costumes and Easter dresses and dance outfits and afghans and birthday cakes that Mom made me growing up. He also really likes to make handmade gifts for other people (we do handmade teacher gifts and Christmas gifts and such). I think it's cool that even though he's a boy, he enjoys making gifts more than buying and would rather have a handmade gift than a storebought one. Maybe as he gets older, his craft of choice will be woodworking (I bought some wooden car kits a couple of years ago and let him make wooden cars and trains for his baby brother and cousin) or metalwork or painting or whatever, but I'm proud that whatever hobby he chooses, he recognizes that a handmade gift is from the heart.

It was a little bit interesting to me seeing the way everyone at the party reacted to FG. The last time Mom and I talked about our relationship was several months ago and she was very disapproving. At that time, I kept emphasizing to her that he was first and foremost a friend (and that basically she has every right to her opinion and I have every right to ignore it!) She's met FG once, but it was a day when I didn't have the boys and she really just met him and that's it...we didn't spend any time with them. Since then, she knows that I see him a lot, that the boys adore him, whatever. I haven't talked to her about the escalation of our relationship...she knows that he's a part of my life and the boys' lives but I don't really think the details are any of her business. I don't go out of my way to rub the relationship in her face, but I don't really hide it either. If he comes over and something funny happens, I don't hesitate to tell her, but I don't think she has any idea that he's over here several times a week. Anyway...at the party today, FG was there with his youngest sister and his niece and nephew. The whole time, my mom and sister basically acted like FG was the boys' dad. I can't really explain it, just an overall attitude. Like when my sister saw Squirt fall off the swings and start crying...she picked him up and carried him to FG. When Pork Chop got his feelings hurt on the playground and pitched a temper tantrum, my mom and my sister both backed off when FG showed up on the scene. I introduced him to everyone as "my friend" but he jumped right into the "daddy" role when the need arose. He also came to my apartment this morning and helped me get everything loaded, picked up ice for me, and ran to the store when I realized what I'd forgotten. He is a good friend to me and always seems ready to do whatever is needed to fill that role. I don't think I've ever told him, but that's the biggest thing that was missing from my marriage. For all of our issues, there are and always have been people who worked past those issues. Our fatal problem is that we were never friends. I think it's the reason the divorce hasn't been harder on me emotionally than it has been (not that it's been easy), but even after 8 years together, I didn't have much to lose. If something happened to FG now, after just a year, I think it would be much harder for me. Is that crazy? Sometime soon I need to write about the various feelings about the whole FG situation but for now, on my blog, as in real life, the day to day issues seem to take precedence over all that. It is what it is and overthinking it won't help anybody. I did think it was kind of sweet that his sister came today (the boys asked for her) and his parents sent gifts separate from what he got them.

Ex and his girlfriend and Her son and his parents and his sister and her son were all conspicuously absent from the party today. That's ok, I took the high road and invited them. It was their loss. For once, the boys didn't miss him. They've asked me a few times over the last couple of weeks whether he would be there but when I told them I didn't know, they seemed ok. Since he didn't ask to take the boys tomorrow, I assumed he was planning to see them today but I guess not. Oh well, I had enough on my plate without him adding to the tension. I wonder if She explained to him that inviting them was my passive-aggressive way of taking the responsibility off myself but I really didn't want him there any more than he wanted to be there. Things that make you go "hmmmmm....." The boys didn't mention him at all today and didn't ask to call him afterwards and tell him about it. Normally I would have suggested that they call him and tell him all about the party but I'm just tired of it. I resisted the urge. If he wanted to know, he knows our number. It breaks my heart, but again, it is what it is...there's only so much I can do. Is it wrong that I'm more sad for them than for me? That the only grief I feel over the demise of our marriage is about what they've lost (not that they ever had it to begin with!)? How about the fact that the lack of a father bothers me more than it does them?

The one downside to the party was a screaming match between me and my mom/sister while the boys were opening presents. I'm disappointed in myself for giving into her games, but I think everyone there saw it for what it was.

There are a lot of issues between my sister and me. To be honest, it's possible that she has a reason to hate me, but she'll never know for sure. I'll never know either. There was a trusted adult who sexually abused me when I was young. I know that I wasn't the first...I wasn't even the first to tell...but no one listened. I took matters into my own hands and stopped the abuse for myself (or maybe I just fought back and he found an easier target), but I've always wondered if my sister (three years younger) went through the same thing. Some signs point to yes, some signs point to no. I've always sort of felt guilty because if she did go through it, I feel like it was my fault. Of course, as a child, it wasn't my responsibility to protect her...I did what I could. The adults in charge of us dropped the ball and that's not my fault. Just like I suspect that she might have been abused, she may suspect that I was but she doesn't know. There are a lot of people I could blame for what happened to me but ultimatley, it was the fault of one person. There are a lot of people she could blame, but if that's the underlying issue, then I think she's chosen the wrong person. Anyway, I don't know if that's the real issue between us or if it's really just that she's a holier-than-thou bitch (and so am I...at least the bitch part). Over the past few years, she's given me plenty of reasons to hate her. I haven't been blameless, but I insist that she's unwilling to meet me halfway.

This is the first time since the boys were born that she's actually come to their birthday party. That's right...Squirt's five and this is the first time. Next weekend she's supposed to be taking them for the weekend to go to a baseball game and the laser show. Now, she's been a total bitch about the whole thing...everything I know about it has come through my mom, not her...and a big part of the reason she's taking them is that she has a friend coming in from out of town who has a son their age. Still, it's something. So she came to the party today and brought each of them a token gift. When the boys were opening gifts, she said something to Squirt about next weekend being a big surprise. I don't know why I said it, but I said something along the lines of "Oh, it's ok to talk about it...they know what's going on next weekend." Well, she blew up and started yelling at me about ruining the surprise and then ran to her car to cry. Mom tore into me about messing everything up and I was just overtired and stressed out enough to play along. In the middle of presents, I got into a screaming match with my mom and sister. FG's sister said at the time that my sister was a total bitch and after the party, another one of our friends commented that she was way out of line. I know I was out of line to play along but dammit, she started it! I tried to apologize and tell her that mom never told me it was supposed to be a surprise but she actually told me (in front of my children) that I was stupid and should have known. Oh and there was a "What kind of mother...." comment thrown in for good measure. Nice from a 30 year old who's never even had a serious boyfriend and has seen her 5 year old nephew a grand total of maybe 12 times in his life! That was not cool! Luckily, one of my aunts jumped in the middle of the whole thing and tried to calm everyone down and my mom decided to play the martyr (sort of) saying that she should have been more clear with me but I shouldn't have been bitchy about it to my sister. Guess what, it wasn't mom's responsibility to be clear with me about anything! If the princess wanted to take my kids for the weekend as a surprise, she should have talked to me herself! And while the ballgame and laser show could have been a surprise, the sleepover couldn't. If she thinks I'm going to send my kids off with her for the weekend without preparing them for it first, she's got another thing coming!

Anyway, after that, my mom and my sister left the party. Breaks my heart...NOT! My sister's birthday was last week so my mom told me THIS MORNING that they were having cake at her house for my sister this evening. I told her that the plan was for FG and his niece and nephew to come over and go swimming after the party but I would do what I could. Either we could go to Mom's right after the party and go swimming after that or we could swim for a couple of hours and then go do cake. Mom said to go swimming first and come over around 7...probably. Well, when the party was over, the boys (and I!) were totally exhausted. I told FG to forget it... that the boys had to have a nap and we'd see what happened after that. He was very understanding even though his kids were disappointed. By the time we got home, got everything unloaded, and the boys played with a couple of gifts, it was 4:00 when they passed out. I was completely emotionally drained and passed out too. We all woke up about 6:00. I called Mom to see what the plan was and she said that she had just gotten back from the grocery store, still had to make dinner and bake the cake so it would probably be 8:30 or 9:00 before they were ready. I just told her to forget it...that we were all exhausted and I wasn't keeping the boys out all night. She started bitching at me and I lost it. I went off about the incident at the party. Apparently, it was all my fault...my sister could have handled it better but I was completely in the wrong. When the boys talked to my sister on the phone twice in the last two weeks and told her they were really excited about spending the weekend at her house, going to a baseball game, and going to the laser show, and asked her about her friend's little boy, she thought that was all just generic/hypothetical talk and that they didn't know about the big plans. When she said at the party that she had a big surprise, I didn't have to rub it in her face that I had already ruined the surprise. I should have apologized to her at the time (apparently, my saying 25 times "I'm sorry! Nobody told me it was supposed to be a surprise!" doesn't count) I was trying to stay calm and had little ears listening but the gist of what I told Mom was that she and my sister could both go to Hell. So let's see, now I'm a bitch just because I always have been, because I ruined my sister's birthday surprise, because I made a scene at the birthday party, and because I refused to keep my kids out all night after an already long day. Damn! I don't know how I live with myself sometimes!

Unfortunately, even after skipping the birthday torture festivities for my sister this evening, that late nap seems to be backfiring. It's after midnight and Pork Chop just passed out but Squirt is still hanging on. I was so exhausted/drained/relieved/pissed/etc. that I started sipping on an adult beverage at dinnertime. I might have had one or two more since then. Between that and braindumping here, I finally feel like my brain and muscles are beginning to unwind after the last couple of weeks. Now I'm ready to get some rest. Every year I think that next year it will be easier to do separate birthday parties...just one gift and one cake at a time...but that also means two separate days of dealing with all the other crap and summer birthdays are hard anyway because everyone is going their separate ways. We'll see. I've got a whole year before I have to deal with it again! Now, all I've got to worry about is Christmas...

OK, despite the massive whiny section about my mom and my sister, it really was a good day. The boys actually seemed completely oblivious to the conflict during the party. They were a little bummed about the constantly changing plans after the party but I put it off on everyone else and told them FG's kids were too tired to go swimming and Grandma was too tired to do cake for the Aunt tonight. They bought it and were satisfied to fight over play with all their new goodies. It looks like they're finally both asleep....superhero costumes and all! Now maybe SuperMommy can get some sleep and go back to destroying saving the world tomorrow!

Basking in my own awesomeness!

It's 3 a.m. but I'm too excited to sleep. The birthday party is Saturday morning and I can't wait.

For quite some time now, Squirt has been obsessed with superheroes. He's always stealing my hair clips and trying to clip a blanket around his neck to use as a cape. Of course, Pork Chop is "monkey see, monkey do" so he loves to play superhero too. I've been planning on making them real capes for a while but I never get around to it.

For birthday presents, I finally got motivated to make them both superhero costumes. I had a friend make up an embroidery design for each of them that looks like the Superman logo but has their initials inside. I embroidered that onto a black cape for each of them and made a matching black mask (because EVERYBODY knows that REAL superheroes wear masks!) I looked at some superhero costumes online and noticed that they all had the cape attached to the shoulders instead of going around the neck. I figured that was a good idea to avoid accidental (or intentional!) strangulation so I got some oversized shirts and attached the capes.

It's good to know your limits, but every once in a while it's fun to push the envelope so I went outside my comfort zone and painted the same logo on the front of each of the shirts. After all, what fun are these stylin' personalized capes if they can't see them? The painting is not perfect, but I'm pretty psyched.

It was hard to make them without being able to try them on the boys so I'm not sure the capes will hang just right...actually, I'm not sure how they'll fit at all...but I'm dying to find out! I can't wait to see their faces when they see these! They'll probably be far more impressed with some toy or gift they get from someone else and I'll be bummed but eventually they'll come around. At least till Saturday morning I get to tell myself how awesome I am!

I couldn't work on these when the boys were awake so I just finished the last one. I also just got the second cake out of the oven. Mom is going to watch the boys for a little while in the morning so hopefully I can get the cakes mostly decorated without them underfoot. I'm always a little nervous about decorating cakes but I'm excited too and I know they'll be fine. At least these two will be easier than the Lightning McQueen cake I made for Squirt last year! Generic things like rocket and pirate ship are MUCH easier than characters that have to look just right (or at least recognizable). I'll just be relieved when they're done though.

I think I'm more excited (at least just as much!) about the party than the boys are. I can't wait to show off my Martha Stewart-ness! Is it wrong that I enjoy showing up the rich married moms with what I managed to pull off completely on my own? One of the advantages to Squirt's drama queen tendencies is that the smallest things make him exclaim that I'm the best mommy in the whole universe and of course, Pork Chop will repeat that same exclamation over and over and over. Hopefully they'll be satisfied (maybe even impressed?) with my efforts. Squirt is quickly beginning to realize the difference between homemade and storebought (toys, clothes, everything!) and his standards are getting higher. Every time we go to the grocery store, he wants to walk through the deli and tell me which birthday cakes (yes, there are usually several) he wants. He still sees one he likes and tells me I should make that one for him, but I know the day is coming when he'll just want me to buy something. My biggest fear is killing myself to get all this done and then in the middle of the party he says "Mommy, this isn't the cake I said I wanted...I wanted one like at the grocery store!" It's not that he's spoiled or ungrateful (at least not any more than all kids his age) but he sometimes says things without thinking. He usually recants later, but sometimes the damage to a sensitive ego has already been done. I don't think that will happen this year though. We've spent a good bit of time looking at cakes on Google Images and he finally settled on the one he wants so if I do a halfway decent job, I'm sure he'll be happy. And I REALLY hope he likes his superhero costume because I know he's wanted it for a long time. Thankfully Pork Chop's far more laid back and easy to please.

OK, got to get some sleep now...Tomorrow's going to be a busy day!

The post that shall remain nameless

I promised myself that I'd do some writing after the boys went to bed tonight but I'm not in the mood to write anything profound so I guess I'll do a brain dump here.

Believe it or not, Ex actually took the boys this weekend. He picked them up Saturday morning (along with Her and The Kid). That was awkward. I have every reason to hate Her. I know (pretty much) for sure that She was cheating with him for AT LEAST the last year of our marriage and there's some pretty compelling evidence that it was more like two years (maybe more). Still, for whatever reason, I don't hate her. I don't particularly like her...I guess it's more like a morbid/masochistic curiosity. While I was loading the carseats in the car, she said she didn't sympathize with me having to deal with the carseats (her son is smaller than Squirt so he SHOULD still be in a carseat!) I told her I didn't sympathize with her for having to make the drive to the in-laws with all three kids. I'm still dying to know how MIL did with all three boys but I doubt I'll ever know. I wonder if MIL is any more fond of her than she was of me. I wonder if she approves of their relationship. I wonder if she knows that her son was cheating on us all that time. I wonder how Granny (who adored me) is with her. I wonder why I care.

I did some running around, gathering stuff for the birthday party during the day and then went to a cookout at FG's sister's house Saturday night. His family is wacky...just like mine. I fit right in with them. It's scary how comfortable I am with them. This is the first time I've spent any quality time with his middle sister (she was there when we went trick-or-treating but this was different). She and I have a lot in common. It turns out that her husband (not the father of either of her kids!) went to church with me growing up. It was a surprise to meet him and his parents at the cookout. We all drank margaritas and shot off (illegal) fireworks and had a good time. I think I could get used to having in-laws that I can actually tolerate!

It was a little strange during dinner when FG's sister suggested that we should buy the house next door to them. Then his mom went off on a tangent talking about our children. Everyone there just assumed that we'll get married. More and more, I operate on that assumption too, but not any time soon! The whole evening was a bit surreal.

I did text Ex after the fireworks and asked him if the kids did ok. He just responded "yeah" so I didn't call. Normally, when my kids are away from me at bedtime I call them but the past couple of times he's had them overnight, he didn't let me talk to them and I'm trying to tell myself that if it's upsetting for them to talk to me at bedtime, then it's better to let it go. I tell myself that if they need me, he'll let them call but there's no reason for me to call them and get them upset just to make myself feel better. I try to tell myself that anyway.

FG stayed over at my house Saturday night which was nice. It was a little weird for me knowing that his ultra-conservative Catholic mother knew he was spending the night. I'm 33 and I still try to shelter my parents from the fact that I'm an adult. We came back here and snuggled up on the couch and watched a movie. I managed to stay awake this time! When we went to bed, we played a little and talked a lot but that was it. Part of me is disappointed that there was no sex, but honestly, it just felt right...snuggling and talking until we both passed out. I didn't feel like we needed the sex. It would have been nice, but it wasn't necessary. I know that sounds crazy but we were both raised very conservative...we talked about it...I told him that because Ex wanted nothing to do with me for so long, I need to feel wanted right now. I can't explain it but he managed to convince me that I'm wanted without giving me anything to feel guilty about. Not that I feel guilty about sex...I guess you'd have to be inside my head to understand it. Anyway....

Ex had told me I needed to pick the boys up by lunchtime but I told him no. I told him I had to get things ready for the party so it would be later in the afternoon before I got them. As he drove off, he told me to get them by 1:00. I didn't answer him. He texted me at 12:30 asking when I was coming to pick them up. We were still asleep! I replied that I was shopping for the party and it would be a while but he answered that he needed to go to the store so I needed to hurry up. Please don't beat me up...I went and got them about 1:30. Heaven forbid he should actually have to entertain them for a couple of hours! I know...I should have made him keep them but one of the reasons I left was his temper. I've never been able to stand the fact that he takes his anger at me out on them. They've already figured out (Squirt has anyway) that he doesn't want them around...it just seems cruel to them to try to force him to keep them. And there's the fact that when I "encourage" him to visit the boys, he says I'm "pawning them off" on him. I doubt a judge would ever buy that...I doubt it would ever make it in front of a judge anyway because he would be terrified that he might get custody...but I hate to give him more ammo that I'm a bad mom.

As soon as I got there, they both started crying about how miserable they were. Apparently, at the grandparents' house, they had birthday cake and presents for Squirt but not for Pork Chop whose birthday is in 2 weeks (remember, the boys haven't seen their grandparents since Christmas! Would it really have hurt to celebrate both birthdays?) It doesn't matter...Squirt wasn't allowed to eat his own birthday cake because he didn't finish his dinner. Pork Chop got to have some though because he didn't like what they were having for dinner. Let me make this clear...Pork Chop doesn't eat hot dogs, so he got to have cake without touching his dinner...Squirt does eat hot dogs, so he didn't get to have his own birthday cake because there were two bites of hot dog left on his plate. And he got a new movie as a gift, but The Kid wouldn't let him watch that movie at his dad's house. I swear I spent the first hour after they got home apologizing.

When I picked the boys up, I asked their dad if he might consider keeping them for a few hours Friday night (he won't get to see them for the rest of the month of July because I have plans!) so I could get their cakes decorated for the party Saturday morning. He hemmed and hawed but basically the answer was Hell no! He actually said, in front of the boys, that I have no idea how hard it is having all three boys when she's at work. His exact words were "Two is hard...three is a pain in the ass." I wonder what he would do if he had to babysit to pay the rent. Let's see...I've had my two and their 4-year old friend, my two and their 4-year old friend and his 9-year old sister, my two and FG's 5-year old nephew and 10-year old niece, my two and the 4-year old friend, his 9-year old sister, AND FG's 5-year old nephew and 10-year old niece. But I have no idea how hard it is. Apparently, if you have to choose, you should choose the child of the woman who's sleeping with you instead of the children you actually fathered. Funny thing though....FG has never felt the need to choose...he can handle "his" two plus my two with no problems. In fact, one night he had his two, my two, and the two I was supposed to be babysitting! Whatever! As much as I need the help...as much as I think the boys need a father...I'm beginning to accept that it will be best for everyone if he just takes a flying leap.

While I was picking up the boys Sunday afternoon, FG went home and got his sister and his niece and nephew and came back over. We played at the apartment for a while and then went to the pool. His sister brought her camera and according to FG the pictures turned out great. Hopefully he'll bring them to me tomorrow so I'll have something to post on FB.

FG's mom told me Saturday night about a new law that has not received much publicity that allows parents to choose any public school in the county. There are a bunch of restrictions so I've spent most of this evening researching the schools that are available to choose from. There is one school close to here that looks way better than the neighborhood school so Mom is going to watch the boys in the morning while I do the paperwork to try to get Squirt registered. It's not what I had hoped for, but it's only kindergarten. My goal for the next year is to get myself in a better place financially so that I can either get into a better school district or get into private school for first grade.

Ex still hasn't decided if they will be coming to the birthday party this weekend or not. I know it would mean a lot to the boys if he was there, but at the same time, I just want him to drop off the face of the earth. If he does show up, it will be the first time he's seen FG and me together. It will be the first time the seven of us are together. I kind of want to get that over with because it's bound to happen eventually. The day will be a lot more pleasant for me if he's not there though. I wish he would just tell me so I can stop thinking about it.

I guess that's about it for now...maybe now that it's all out I can sleep....

Where does the time go?

Squirt turned 5 today. It doesn't seem possible. In some ways it seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant with him, but at the same time I can't even remember what life was like without him. He couldn't seem to understand that even though today is his birthday, his party is not until next weekend. He kept asking all day when the birthday was going to start.

It was a hard day for Pork Chop. His birthday is in three weeks. Usually Squirt is quite a ham and Pork Chop is content to just watch from the sidelines but he had a hard time understanding why today was special for Squirt and not him. My mom, my sister, Ex, and FG all called to tell Squirt happy birthday this morning. They all asked to talk to Pork Chop too but he refused. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and then went to the Jump-n-play place but Squirt kept reminding Pork Chop that today was his day and the little guy seemed sad all day long.

FG insisted on bringing Squirt his birthday present tonight instead of waiting till the party. It was good because we were planning to go to the pool but when we got there, it was closed. So when he showed up with a gift and cupcakes, it saved the day for Squirt but Pork Chop was devastated that Brother got a gift and he didn't. Poor thing. That's one reason I'm glad I'm doing one party for the two of them. I know he'll have to deal with it at some point but he's just too young to understand right now.

We're having the party next Saturday at the park. Squirt wants a rocket ship cake and Pork Chop wants pirates. I'm excited about doing the cakes, but I'm a little nervous too since I can't seem to count on any help. Worst case scenario, I'll take the boys over to Mom's decorate the cakes there. Even if she's not feeling well enough to watch them, it might be easier than trying to do it at home alone. I told Ex about the party and told him to let his mom and sister and grandmother know. Still, I'm really hoping they'll do something for the boys while they're with them this weekend instead of coming up. It's stressful enough having my whole family together, I just don't need them added into the mix. It's about the kids though so I'll suck it up if I have to.

As of right now, Ex is still planning to take the boys to his parents' house Saturday night. FG's niece and nephew will be disappointed but I'm looking forward to the night alone (well, not alone, of course!) FG's been over here three nights this week and the tension is building...I'm ready for him to spend the night.

I also can't believe that FG and I have been together for a whole year now. Tonight I had a killer tension headache (I have chronic muscle spasms in my neck that cause headaches) so I took a muscle relaxer. Usually they don't affect me too much but I guess it's been a little while since I've taken them and it just knocked me out. We were snuggled up on the couch watching a movie and I passed out. The sound of my own snoring woke me up and he had a huge drool spot on his shirt. I was mortified but he played it off. He kept insisting that I wasn't snoring, but like I said, that's what woke me up. Oops...

Sometimes I really hate being alone

Sometimes I really hate being alone and this is one of those times. I assure you I'm not one of *those* parents...I have two boys and boys get booboos. Squirt will tell you right quick that booboos make you strong and he has the muscles to prove it. At school, there were some parents that they hated to call when the kids got hurt but I wasn't one of those. If they told me my boys had an accident, I'd ask them if it was serious and if it wasn't, I'd shrug it off. Things happen.

Tonight I was in the kitchen doing dishes while the boys had a bedtime snack. Squirt came to get some more drink and was dancing around and cutting up and tripped over the dishwasher door banging his head on the refrigerator. Honestly, I didn't pay too much attention...the first thing I said was "That's what you get for goofing off in the kitchen!" He just laid there for a minute and then finally started crying. At first I thought the delayed reaction was a sign that he wasn't really hurt, just trying to figure out how to get himself out of trouble. I handed him an ice pack and sent him on his way. He is a drama queen and I was sure he was just crying to get attention.

A few minutes later, he came running in the kitchen and told me to feel the bump on his head. When I looked, sure enough he had a long cut and a knot the size of a ping-pong ball on the back of his head. At that point I freaked out a little, but not really. I just told him to keep the ice on it and settle down. A minute later, I looked, and he was asleep sitting straight up. I woke him up, checked his pupils, and just kept watching him. Every time I turned my back, he fell asleep.

I called the doctor and she said as long as his pupils were the same size and he wasn't throwing up that it was probably ok, just to keep him awake for an hour and watch him. Well, the hour passed but keeping him awake was no easy task. It freaks me out because he shouldn't be that tired. After a little while, he told me that his stomach hurt like he was going to throw up but he never did. He also said that he heard a loud noise in his ears (ears ringing?) and that he just feels "strange". I sent him to the bathroom before letting him lay down and he was kind of staggering and not walking straight, but if he's really sleepy, that could explain that.

I called the doctor back and she said he's probably just tired because it's so late and that he might have hit his head hard enough to shake him up a little but that she doesn't think it's serious. Normally, I'd agree with her, but being here alone, it freaks me out a little. And, no, it's not late enough for him to be that tired...I was fully prepared for him to be up all night tonight.

So what are my options? The urgent care place is already closed and I DESPISE the ER at County General. Trekking two preschoolers up there in the middle of the night is not even an option. Of course, I could call Ex and see if I could drop Pork Chop off over there while I take Squirt to the ER...I'm sure that would go over well. I could call my mom but again... And then there's the money. Ex has to provide health insurance for the boys but dumba$$ got the cheapest plan they offer and it's already maxed out for the year (I've taken the boys to the doctor twice!) So if we go to the ER, it's all out of pocket. Not that any of that would matter if I really thought he was hurt, I just hate having to be the one to make the call. I wish I had someone else here with me to say yes, his eyes look normal, let's just watch him or no, you're not crazy, he's acting strange let's take him in.

And of course the Natasha Richardson and Billy Mays headlines don't help any. Head injuries are scarier than usual right now anyway. I trust his doctor (I'm so glad she was the one on call tonight because I would be far less comfortable talking to a nurse or one of the other docs) and she knows me so she knows I don't scare easily. Still, she can't see the way he's acting...I just wish there was someone else here to help me decide how far "off" he is.

A wonderful day

Today was a good day. Actually, all in all, it's been a really nice weekend.

FG brought his niece and nephew over Friday night to go swimming and we had a lot of fun. At one point, the sun had set and it was getting a little chilly. He and I were both exhausted from throwing the kids in the water, chasing them around the pool, playing shark, etc. The kids, of course, were not the least bit tired. He and I wound up sitting on the steps of the pool, barely in the warm water. I was shivering so he held me with his arms around me and we watched the kids playing. I could have sat there like that all night but alas, the kids had other plans.

Sitting there like that, everything seemed so perfect. I couldn't help the feeling that this is what my life was supposed to be like. It's hard to explain. All four kids had been being kids all evening but we were both taking care of it. I'm as comfortable dealing with his kids as I am mine and he's as comfortable with my kids as his. His niece is still a little jealous of me but for the most part, I've won her over. For the first time since my children were born, I actually felt like I had a partner...between the two of us, we had four kids, but I had a partner. So sitting there on the steps, with his arms around me, watching the kids play, it just felt so right.

Of course, they had to leave and I was struck by the reality of being alone to get my children wound down and into bed, and of course the loneliness when it was time for me to go to bed alone. But for a few hours, I had a glimpse of what my life was supposed to be like.

I wrote about yesterday. Today, Ex took the boys. He finally acquiessed to keeping them an hour later than he wanted so that I could go to the wedding shower alone. It wouldn't have bothered me to take them with me, but it was nice to have adult conversation without having to worry about them. I hate to say this, but it was nice to have a conversation where people were paying attention to what I was saying instead of having all the focus on the kids. That doesn't sound right, but maybe you know what I mean.

When I picked the boys up, FG came over and took us out to dinner. The plan was to come back and go swimming to wear the boys out and then have some grownup time after they went to bed. The restaurant was totally screwed up and we wound up waiting 2 hours for our "quick" dinner so it was too late to go swimming. We wound up coming back and giving the boys a shower and then snuggling up on the couch, all four of us, and watching a movie before bed. After the boys went to bed, we had a couple of hours alone. Again, it just felt so right. And again, I was struck by the emptiness when he left.

For weeks we've been planning for the 4th of July. I knew it was Ex's weekend, but when was the last time he took them overnight? FG is going to Alabama on Friday to buy fireworks (they're illegal here so you have to go to either SC or AL to get them!) and we're supposed to be having a cookout/pool party at his sister's house on Saturday and shoot off fireworks after dark. We've been planning it for a while and the boys are really looking forward to it.

FG was driving me nuts this afternoon asking me if Ex was going to try to get the boys next weekend so I finally agreed to ask him. When I picked them up, I asked him if he had any plans for next weekend. He hemmed and hawed a bit so I asked him if he had plans that included the boys. He INFORMED me that he will be picking the boys up Saturday morning and going to his parents' house. They live on a lake about 90 miles south of here and there's a big fireworks show over the lake every year. I asked him if he was going to keep them overnight and he said probably not. EXCUSE ME!?!! It's getting dark, what 9:00? 9:30? So the fireworks show will be over around 10:30. Then drive an hour and a half back here and return the boys at what...midnight? I don't think so! Whether I have plans or not is irrelevant...that's just ridiculous! I didn't argue with him in front of the boys, I just told him to let me know as soon as possible what the final plan is and if I haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I'm going to assume he changed his mind. Of course, he apparently spent the day telling the boys that they're going to their grandparents' house next weekend. They've been asking me when they can go to the lake again and I know they'll enjoy the fireworks show down there so that part of it isn't really a big deal, but not wanting them to spend the night is.

I think I've been more than reasonable about all of this. I'm fairly sure that he'll decide to keep the boys overnight and ask me to get them early Sunday morning. If he doesn't, then there's going to be a fight. I have plans for the entire day Saturday...I can take the boys with me (as has been the plan all along) or he can keep them for the weekend like he's supposed to, but he's not bringing them back to me in the middle of the night! I hope he'll decide to spend the night at his parents' house but won't that be cozy...him and Her and The Kid and my two boys all sharing the guest room. One big happy family! I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see how MIL handles having all three kids around. Especially if SIL, BIL, and the little prince are there too.

If he does keep them overnight, then I'll still go to FG's sister's place and do that thing, then he can come back here and spend the night. It's been so long...I wonder if I remember what to do? And then two weeks later is when my sister is taking the boys for the whole weekend. I'm sure I won't know what to do with two grownup weekends in one month! Anyway, if he doesn't want to keep them overnight, I'm just going to tell him he can't have them at all. I hate doing that because (among the more noble reasons) it gives him ammunition to say that I'm keeping the boys away from him, blah blah blah. Oh well, I'll just have to deal with that. I doubt he'd actually take me to court for visitation interference but in this case, I don't think a judge in the world would fault me for finally standing up for myself.

I also found out today that my favorite cousin is coming up from FL in a couple of weeks. One of my cousins up here suggested that the boys and I just plan to spend the weekend at their house that weekend. His wife's granddaughter will be in town so we'll do the obligatory family stuff and then head back to their place to chill out. She said the kids can watch movies till they pass out and we can have grownup time. She wants me to bring FG but I'm not really sure about that. I'll think about it, but I'm not sure what kind of message that will send to the boys. I think I'd rather leave him out of it for now. It will still be a fun change of scenery for us and a chance for me to catch up with family that I've been cut off from for the last 6 or 7 years. The only problem with that weekend is that it's the weekend I was planning to do the boys' birthday party. If we're going to be tied up with family stuff, then it means that 7/11 is the only weekend left to do their party. Which means I've got to get busy because that's two weeks away.

Oh yeah, and I also found out today that my other cousin just moved into the school district where I really want Squirt to go to school in the fall. I've got to call him tomorrow and see about maybe using his address to register Squirt. I'm a little nervous about that, but it's better than the ghetto school in our neighborhood.

And now I'm off to bed...we've got a busy day week month ahead of us. Suddenly it seems crazy that summer is half over already. Looking at the calendar I made up for the boys, every day is full from now until school starts back...and that's not even counting my to-do list with all the little things like registering for kindergarten! Woohoo!

Open mouth...insert foot...all the way up to the knee!

We had a birthday party for a friend of the boys today. The morning started off ok...I just wasn't in the mood for it. I usually make gifts for all their friends, but like I said, everything non-essential has fallen away these days so I resigned myself to purchasing something. On the way to the party, we went by the Dollar Tree which my poor deprived (NOT!) boys refer to as "the toy store". They were behaving pretty well...just excited about the party and Squirt was panicking because he was convinced that we were going to be late.

There's a really stupid woman who works there. Every time I go in that store she's bitching about something and sounding incredibly ignorant about it. I've never really had any problems with her before though. Mostly I just see her as a miserable bitter old woman and think I don't ever want to turn out like that.

Well, as we were waiting to check out, Squirt started asking me what time it was and if we were going to be late to the party. I might have sounded a little exasperated when I told him we had plenty of time and to just chill out. This stupid woman looked at me and said "Yeah mom...sometimes you really should leave the kids at home with Dad while you do your shopping."

Now forget about the 500 things I would have liked to say to her at that moment...what popped out of my mouth was "Well these two don't have a dad so I don't really have that choice now do I?!?!?" Before I even realized I had said it out loud, Squirt, who hadn't listened to anything I'd said all morning went into a total meltdown. He just went off on me yelling that they do too have a dad. I tried to be as sensitive as I could and apologized and explained that I meant they don't have a dad that lives with us but I knew the damage was done and I'd give anything to take it back.

As if what I said wasn't bad enough, while I was apologizing, the stupid woman behind the counter told him that she knew what I meant and proceeded to let off a stream of expletives about men the likes of which I've never heard. Now, I cuss like a sailor (I try to keep it under control in front of the kids) and I was embarrassed by her tirade. Heaven help her if either of my kids repeats even one of those words she used!!

I beat myself up about speaking without thinking the whole way to the birthday party. The kids had a good time, it was just hot and exhausting. I was hoping that FG was coming over tonight. I really wanted to get a sitter and have a real date but I couldn't find anyone so the plan was to go out to dinner and then put the kids to bed early and have a living room date. By the time we left the party, it was dinnertime already and apparently FG's nephew kept him up all night and he'd been running around with them all day so he had a headache. I'm exhausted anyway so I took a raincheck...hopefully we can do something tomorrow. Tomorrow will be crazier because the boys will be with their dad for a little while and I'm still not sure if I'll be taking them to the wedding shower with me or not but an afternoon with my family is always fun. At any rate, I should be ready to snuggle up and chill out by tomorrow evening.

It's 8:00 now and Squirt's already asleep. Pork Chop is well on his way. I'm not far behind. Maybe I'll have sweet dreams about that ever-illusive date...