The really annoying thing about mothers...

The really annoying thing about mothers is when they're right! Why do they have to do that? Hopefully it's something I have to look forward to but still...

Mom's spending another night in the hospital. When the doctor finally came this afternoon (she was hoping to discharge her), he told her that the heart monitor she's been on for a week is showing some irregularities and they think she may have had a mild heart attack so they want to do a stress test on her heart but they can't do it while she's still wheezing so he wants to give it another day and see if they can do it tomorrow. And apparently the problem with her blood sugar and potassium is because the massive doses of steroids they're giving her for her lungs are affecting her pancreas. Gotta love it when the medicine makes you sicker!

Anyway, while she was on the phone, I told her about Ex spending a long weekend with his girlfriend this weekend instead of visiting the boys. She just kept saying that every stupid stunt he pulls like this is that much better for me in the long run. That would be true if we were going to plead our cases to a judge but since we've supposedly agreed on everything, we shouldn't get to that point. Besides, did he have to pick this weekend to do it? With the kids out of school and mom in the hospital, I just really need a break. We've already established that I can't take a shower without them completely wrecking the house or opening the door for God knows who. Actually, my biggest fear is that they'll decide to go ride their bikes and just let themselves out. Today, I was using the restroom when the door flew open and Squirt walked in asking "How you doing in here, Mom?" I yelled at him to get back in the living room and not bother someone when they're in the bathroom (a conversation we have DAILY at least!) and apparently hurt his feelings. Come on...is it really too much to ask to be able to pee in relative solitude? So again Mom lectured me on my attitude. The kids are just being kids and I'm the problem. I've made up my mind that having them is such a burden and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. And the most annoying thing is that on some level she's right. I do love my children...even when they're barging in the bathroom and finger painting the living room with diaper rash cream and coloring on my beige couch with markers and locking each other in the closet and whatever else. I wanted children for so long and they are the best thing I've ever done in my screwed up life. But I have let myself get to a point where I don't enjoy them anymore. I stay angry at them all the time and don't take time to laugh at the silly little things they do. They're not perfect by any means, but my attitude is the biggest problem right now. I hate it when she's right! The thing is though, I'm only human. I need a break every now and then to recharge my batteries so that I can laugh instead of yelling. And right now I can't even get a break long enough to use the bathroom in peace.

I tried all day to call my case worker at DFACS to see if she could refer me to any parenting classes or anger management classes or family counseling or anything like that but I couldn't get any answer...not even the receptionist! I called a child abuse prevention hotline and told them my situation and asked if they had any resources they could refer me to but all they wanted to do was talk enough to calm me down right now and that was it. I've been googling for resources in my area but haven't come up with much. Frustrating! I know there's not going to be a quick fix but a little help in stopping the momentum and changing directions would be nice.

So my goal for the new year is to work on my attitude. Yes, it sucks that Ex gets to live his life however he wants to and we are basically at his mercy but that's not going to change and pouting about it won't make it any better. Yes, it sucks that most of the time I have to choose between being a woman and being a mother but at least for now, that's the way it is. I've got the rest of my life to be a woman...my kids will only be little for a while so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. It sounds good on paper...if only changing your attitude and thought processes were as easy as saying it. But that is the goal I want to work toward. Not feeling sorry for myself when I can't get a sitter, not being frustrated about the time that my children want to spend with me, but really enjoying every minute I have with them. Of course, that also means making some changes around here and getting their behavior back to a point where they are a little easier to enjoy. Mom can say what she wants to but she hasn't been around them much lately and they are totally out of control. That's my fault too, but it's another thing I've got to work on. Baby steps...

And now I've got to get some sleep. I bribed them at bedtime last night telling them that if they went to bed without a fight we could make cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning. They didn't ask about it this morning and I completely forgot until it was lunchtime so I just let it go. Well, at bedtime tonight, Squirt reminded me that I promised them cinnamon rolls last night and went into an all-out meltdown because I wouldn't make them tonight. I told him we'd do it in the morning. I actually went to bed pretty early tonight but Pork Chop woke up at 1 a.m. and got Squirt awake and it took me until 3 a.m. to get them both back to sleep again (one would fall asleep and the other wake up) Now it's almost 4 and I'm sure one or both will be up again soon. That's another thing, I really want to work on getting them both sleeping all night in their own beds but I have a feeling it's going to require a few sleepless nights on my part to make it happen and right now, with no support at all, I just don't see how I can do it. Baby steps...